Christmas Carols for the Insane

Hello all.  Here is my contribution to Christmas carolling.  The tunes should be easy enough to recognize….Merry Christmas.  Happy Hannukah.  Happy Kwanzaa.  I especially feel for the Atheists at this time of year.  Who DO you talk to when you have sex?!  On that note, sing along….

When it snows our whole state panics,

But not me, I’ve got my Xanax

It’s just a statewide freak show

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Or this one….

I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas, just like the ones I used to know

In the lush, warm tropics, where all our topics

Were talk of hurricanes that blow….

Now, I am in a strong blizzard, at least it seems that way to me

May I live through this storm of white, while I dream of Florida so bright!

No?  Maybe this one…

Oh the weather outside is frightful

And inside, it ain’t delightful

While my kid is bouncing of walls

Well a big glass of chardonnay calls!

And finally…

While my kid squawks city sidewalks

Are now covered in snow

In the air there’s a feeling of madness

Jenda’s manic, I’m in panic, this is such a wild scene

And my frantic refrain you can hear…..

Bloody hell, bloody hell

We are snowed in until Sunday

Bloody hell, bloody hell

I need some more chardonnay!

               Whatever your preference, and wherever you are, have a wonderful holiday.  I wish you ALL the best!!!!

 

Yule Make Me Hurl!

Well the Christmas season is upon us and as usual, people are going all out.  Spending might be curtailed due to the economy, but crazy holiday decorations and nostalgia are still free.  My favorite holiday is Halloween, so I am not one of those people who get all sentimental and drippy about Christmas and the whole holiday season.  Of course, now that I have a child, I put a good face on it, but the whole commercialization and insanity give me the heebie jeebies, so it’s not really my thing.

I remember Christmases past and while some of them were really great, there was often a torment within me that was worse than having an eight foot Frazier Fir shoved up my butt.  At that time, my parents, my brother and I lived in Tallahassee.  Since the rest of the extended family lived in Tampa, we always made the trek to Tampa so that we could be with the whole family.  We could always count on some kind of Christmas drama, like someone getting pissed off because we spent more time at another relative’s house.  Or I might get a toy that I deemed ‘not age appropriate’, in other words, a BABY toy, and then I’d throw a fit and my parents would bawl me out while my brother Patrick laughed.  Such was the season of giving.
One thing that I remember clearly, (primarily because my family won’t allow me to forget), is that a four hour trip to Tampa from Tallahassee usually took us close to two days.  Why?  Because I had to throw up at every rest stop and public bathroom along Interstate 10.  Seriously.  As soon as we’d get in the car to leave, I would start to heave.  “Vomit spewing in a crowded car, everybody hold your nose….”  My  parents tried to explain it away as pre-Christmas excitement but I never accepted that explanation.  Surely Patrick was excited and he wasn’t doing the yuletide hurl.  It seemed strange, somehow, and I always wondered about it.  After years of introspection, therapy, and Kendall Jackson chardonnay, the answer came to me on a midnight clear.

It was my parent’s fault.

 
THEY TOOK ME TO SEE MALL SANTA!
It apparently scarred me deeply.  Allow me to elaborate.  Mother and Daddy were two of those sentimental, drippy types who loved nothing more than to dress me and Patrick in some  Osh Kosh holiday finery and drag our asses to Sears to pose for pictures with Santa.  From the time I was small, I NEVER got close to MALL SANTA!  I knew he was evil!!  The poor minimum wage photographer had to drag out a wide angle lens, not because of my fat ass, but because I was standing safely out of reach of MALL SANTA!  Creepy fucker.  He never seemed to bother Patrick, but I saw through that leering smile and shitty fake beard!

 
Now that I am forty, I can’t help but wonder what the HELL my parents were thinking, exposing their children to such holiday freakiness.  Well, not Patrick especially, but ME!  It’s tragic that I am still haunted by the ghosts of MALL SANTAS past, but it’s true.  It boggles my mind when I think back through the years to the hell they put me through….
• Big Redneck Bubba Santa….all he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth.
• Sanorexic Claus….Sears couldn’t find a fat guy so they hired some puny bony creep to haunt my dreams.
• Osanta Bin Laden….yes, he was plotting the downfall of America but at least his shitty beard was real.
• Swelter Claus….nothing says Christmas like some overdressed fat guy sitting under hot lights showering helpless     little children with nasty fat old guy sweat!
• Hanta Claus….hey kid, want a deadly virus for Christmas?

I could go on, but I am suddenly feeling the urge to purge.  Trust me when I tell you that there exists no picture of me sitting on the lap of MALL SANTA!  And there never will be.  With my luck, I’d run into Saddam Husanta….nevermind.  Suffice it to say that as a parent, I had that nostalgic moment once.  Jerry and I took Jenda to see Santa and it turned out he was a financial advisor that I had fired because he was so incompetent.  Jenda became hysterical, and frankly so did I.  It was the evil Bankruptcy Clause!  I never took her to see MALL SANTA again.  MALL SANTA hysteria could be genetic, or she could just be really smart.  It’s probably a little of both.  Whatever the case, I will spend the ensuing holidays making up for that horrible lapse in Mommy judgment. 

That’s not to say that I won’t enjoy Christmas and create traditions throughout the coming years.  We always watch ‘the Grinch’ and the 24 hour marathon of ‘A Christmas Story’, and we have the requisite feast for three that would feed fifty.  We’ll take pictures of our tree, and family pictures, but there will be no MALL SANTA in Jenda’s future!  But for any friends or family reading this, if you are feeling some goofy longing for a holiday picture of me, let me know.  I’ll be glad to pose with Kendall Jackson.  

 

Love is Blind…Marriage is an Eye Opener!

Today is a very special day for me.  Jerry and I are celebrating eight years of marriage today!  Between marriage and motherhood, I have no idea where the time goes.  I guess it’s true that life is what happens while you’re busy making plans.  Like I keep planning to clean my house.  Someday, I’m going to get off my butt and do it.  Yes.  I see the logic now.  It IS true.

I would love to be able to say that I remember my wedding as though it was yesterday, but that wouldn’t be entirely true.  It took me 32 years to catch a husband, so by the time it came down to the actual day, I was tired!  Wedding planning will take a lot out of a bride, not to mention working overtime to help pay for everything.  I do remember that the day started very early, replete with all of the mishaps and disasters that can only happen on the day one is married.  However, it was an absolutely glorious South Florida day.  The sky was a gorgeous blue, and it was blessedly cool outside (under 90 degrees.)  I had dieted down to look svelte in my wedding dress, and had also stuffed myself into the most unforgiving corset ever created, so all things considered, I looked pretty good.  At least I think I did.  My maid of honor finally caught on after I had taken my 6^th Xanax on a very empty but tight stomach, so much of it is a blur.

In spite of the ministrations of my amazing bridesmaids and all of the medication, my nerves were still buzzing like an angry hornet.  Jerry, his groomsmen, and our priest were in the sacristy while my bridesmaids and I were in the choir room in the back.  Fr. Ralph Evan, our priest, mentioned to Jerry that he wanted to give things a few more minutes, but he was going to check in on me and the girls.  Jerry tried to stop him.  “Fr. Ralph, you are a brave man.  Or a stupid one.”  Undeterred, Fr. Ralph came to check in on us.

It was sheer bad timing because one of my flower girls kept pulling the flowers out of her miniature bouquet.  Since we aren’t allowed to drop petals in our church, she carried a small-scale replica of my bouquet that actually cost more than my big bouquet.  I had asked her several times not to pull the flowers out of it until after we got through the pictures, at which point she could eat it, for all I cared.  Still, at the precise moment that Fr. Ralph entered the room, she plucked out the largest flower from the middle of the arrangement and threw it in the floor.  And I chose that moment to utter the WORST profanity you can say in the house of The Lord.  For our purposes here, I’ll say ‘gosh darn’, and leave it at that.  Eight years later, I can still feel the weight of Fr. Ralph’s stare, and I can still remember my bridal party backing away from me to get out of the way of the thunderbolt we all knew was coming.  Fr. Evans returned to my groom to be and said, “Jerry, YOU are a brave man.  Or a stupid one.”

Things finally got underway.  My dad looked so handsome and proud in his tuxedo.  Of course he was late to the wedding rehearsal, so he had not practiced walking me down the aisle.  He chose the big moment to decide that we should do some triumphant bridal march.  I suppose it was triumphant for him in that he was palming me off on Jerry at long last.  Coupled with my nerves and the 6 Xanax, we bumped and lurched along like a couple of drunks until I stopped up short and hissed, just WALK Daddy.  Apparently, I hiss louder than an angry copperhead, because I heard a ripple of laughter follow me to the altar. 

After Jerry and I took communion, we were instructed to sit on two throne-like chairs while the rest of the congregation took communion.  I saw a short cut to my throne, and by that time, the Xanax was really working it’s magic, so I turned and went to my throne.  Unbeknownst to me, my very long train caught on one of the tall candelabras positioned at the altar.  I though the collective gasp was meant for how beautiful my dress looked, but it turns out I nearly knocked the candles over.  Fortunately, Jerry and Eileen, my maid of honor, were able to prevent yet another calamity.  Once we were finally married, our guests headed to the reception for cocktails while the bridal party and family finished pictures.  When our limousine driver showed up, he was very nasty, and Rocky Balboa, er, Daddy had to be physically restrained from beating him up.  It was a very exciting morning!

Our reception was divine.  Of course, I was being held into my dress with that vulcanized rubber torture device so I couldn’t eat very much food.  But wine and champagne went down easily, hence the reason that I don’t quite remember everything that transpired.  But I do remember finally leaving and having the chance to be alone with my husband in our hotel suite on the beach.  And I must have held up pretty well during the day because Jerry was ready to get that dress off of me and get the honeymoon started.  Sadly, there was the corset to contend with.  Have you ever opened a roll of biscuits or crescent rolls?  You know how you apply pressure and then the whole things pops open “PWUPHTH” and everything spills out?  It was like that when I took the corset off.  Sort of an explosion.  Jerry looked taken aback but I reminded him that it was legal now…no turning back!  I sat down on the bed to get out of the crinolines and stockings, and that was it.  I was so lit, I was out like a light. 

I awoke several hours later with intense hunger pains.  Jerry was sleeping, but I woke him up, saying FEED THE CAT!  He told me to order room service and went back to sleep.  I went all out with a bacon cheeseburger, French fries, a chocolate milkshake and diet coke, naturally.  Let’s just say it didn’t sit too well after strenuous dieting and heavy medication, so we spent part of our wedding night at Walgreen’s,   buying various stomach remedies.

I look back on all of this and laugh.  Sometimes I laugh because I can’t believe that I lived through it.  Other times, I laugh because I can’t believe Jerry actually went through with it.  I was online looking up anniversary gifts by year, just to see what eight years will get you.  I think Jerry is hoping for time off with good behavior.  Anyway, the traditional gift is bronze.  Nah.  The modern gift is appliances.  No way will Jerry buy me another appliance.  I insisted on a Kitchen Aid mixer one year for Christmas, and Jerry got me one.  Little did he know that I wanted it as an art form for my counter.  No way was I really going to use it.  I would ask for platinum and jewels, but knowing Jerry, he’d bring me L’oreal #120 Platinum Crystal (because I’m worth it!)  Sure, blondes may have more fun, but I’m not complaining.  I’ve had a great time.

So thinking back on all of this, I am also looking forward to our future, for whatever it holds, and for however long we have.  I enjoy the idea of growing old together, and all the funny things that will happen to us along the way.  And while I know that Jerry doesn’t always appreciate my lowbrow humor, and I can’t always understand his arch witticisms, we’re in it for the long haul.  Til death us do part, and hopefully, not even then.

As I’ve said before, we’ve almost got each other trained!

Everything I Need to Know, My Child is Learning in Kindergarten

“The behavior of some children suggests that their parents embarked on the sea of matrimony without a paddle” Earl Warren

It’s great being the mother of a child in school. Aside from the free time that I now have during the day, Jerry and I now really take an active role in Jenda’s education. We do homework together and are teaching her how to read and how to spell, and of course correct word pronunciation. To a large degree we have been successful. She no longer pronounces drink as ‘drank’ and we have eradicated ‘liberry’ from her vocabulary, so I feel like our teaching is paying off. Of course, she has taught us a great deal as well, in fact, we learn something new every day.

After the whole ‘I lost a stick for bad behavior’ trauma, we learned that there are far more horrible things in the life of a kindergartner than losing a stick. Jenda hasn’t lost any more sticks, but she has shared with us what can happen to the kids in school if they really get out of line, literally and figuratively. She told us about one little boy who is just really strange.

There is one in every class. I remember in kindergarten, there was a child in my class, who I am going to call Jackwayne. He was like some perverse Shakespearean prince, in that his name (which I have disguised) was all one name, like Macbeth. At any rate, he was just repugnant. He used to eat crayons, and he also liked to scoop the Elmer’s glue paste out of the big plastic jar and eat it off his fingers. But the worst was the fact that he would pee and poo in his pants and then spend the rest of the day stinking so bad he could knock the buzzards off a shitpile from 50 paces. He said it didn’t bother him, but here I am, 35 years later, so scarred and traumatized that I still have to sit near windows, even on airplanes.

Back to Jenda and her trials and tribulations. She came home recently to announce that one child in her class was very bad. He lost ALL of his sticks and was still being bad, so he was sent to the Hall Adjusters. Being that she is only five, and sometimes has difficulty with big words, I thought she said Hall of Jesters. To me, that sounds like a happy place where teachers send the class clowns. If they’d had one of those at my school, I might have been a better student. Then she said, “No, Mommy. Hall of Justice!” That sounded rather scary to me, but I was hopeful that the ‘kiddie Supreme Court’ had enough women and liberals to keep Jenda from getting too many demerits. Then, finally, she yelled “HALL ADJUSTERS!”

Hall adjusters? What the…?! Who and what are they adjusting?

According to Jenda, ‘Hall Adjusters’ is a room with a toilet in it and apparently not much else. So I had to ask, what do they do in there, slap the poo out of the kids?

“I don’t know, Mommy. I’m not sure.”

In Jackwayne’s case, it would have been too easy. In Jenda’s case, I never want to find out.

When I was a child, there was corporal punishment in schools, and then again once you got home, after which you were sent to your room. With today’s children, being sent to your room is hardly a punishment since many kids today have better electronics in their rooms than I have in my whole house. Ostensibly, the bad seed is taken out of class and into a small room, much like solitary confinement without Nintendo, and made to sit on a toilet until their parents come to get them…. I’m just going on hearsay, but it sounds pretty crappy, pun intended.

‘Hall Adjusters’ doesn’t seem to be working out TOO well, since I hear every afternoon about this child hitting Jenda and beating up her and her friends. I was ready to go to the school and raise hell but as always, Jerry’s cooler head prevailed and he said he will go speak to her teacher about the matter. That’s great, but while he was out mowing the lawn, I took her out of swimming lessons and am enrolling her in Taekwondo. And I am going to teach her that if any kid messes with her, she needs to just zap that kid right in the buhdoobies. Trust me, that will be much more effective than any hall adjustment!

So everyday brings a lesson in behavior modification and penance. I’m still haunted by the memories of Jackwayne and Elmer’s Glue, but through memory modification by Kendall Jackson, I am doing better. My hope is that Jenda will continue to learn and grow and accept the fact that there are just some strange, ill-mannered people in this world and we just have to deal with that. I want to make sure that she is understanding of others, but I also want her to be able to look out for herself, because if I have to do it, they won’t need the Hall Adjusters. Some kid will need the Hall of Pediatric Reconstructive Surgery. I mean, it does take a village to raise a child. But in my village, we beat, uh, adjust each others’ kids.

With all of my early teaching, when she gets older and starts taking Advanced Literature, ‘Crime and Punishment’ will be an easy read. Why I bet she’ll just breeze right through Dostoyevsky.

Yeah, she’ll be a kick ass student!

Race to the Altar Has a Whole New Meaning!

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it….
Song of Solomon

It’s really convenient sometimes to have a child. In the case of those people who have something like 19 or 20 kids, it’s obviously the free child labor they’re getting while still claiming a tax write off. In my case, I can blame not watching the news on my daughter. I am behind on current events, and I can easily blame it on the fact that we only watch Noggin and HGTV because of Jenda. The problem with this is that I do still read the news on the internet and days like yesterday, I wish I didn’t.

I actually got the first glimpse of the story on Facebook. One of my friends posted a link to a CNN story about Keith Bardwell, a justice of the peace in Louisiana who denied a marriage license to an interracial couple. I swear at first I thought it was a joke. Then I realized it was
true! And I had to contain myself.

Unfortunately, I have since escaped.

The story begins with a young couple who meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. Isn’t that romantic? Beth Humphrey and Terence McKay wanted to have a wedding and someday start a family. So Beth called Bardwell’s office to ask about getting a marriage license. She was then asked if they she was part of an interracial couple. When she answered, truthfully, yes, she was told that Mr. Bardwell’s office would not issue a marriage license and they would have to go elsewhere.

I was at a loss for words, but only temporarily. See, when I read the part about the bride-to-be being asked if she was part of an interracial couple, my jaw hit the floor, so I couldn’t speak. However, I can still type, so here we are. Since I am still speechless, can someone please yell, ‘Civil Rights Violation!’, oh, and also ‘Noneofyourfreakingbusiness!’

Mr. Bardwell was very quick to point out that he is NOT a racist (cough, sputter, puke!) He said that he will marry blacks, but only to each other. He went on to say that he was just thinking of their children. As far as I have been able to research, they don’t have any children. I can only assume that he means any children they might have. I am still trying to figure out the logic in that statement. Maybe they can’t have children. Maybe they just want to adopt a baby from, say, China. I bet this idiot isn’t asking any other prospective married couples, “Are you abusive? Are you a pedophile? Are you a flaming racist idiot like me?” No one stopped John and Kate from having a busload of kids that they exploit for television ratings, but this yahoo is worried that these two seemingly normal, moral people might want to have children, who, yes, will be bi-racial? What is he afraid of, that one of them might someday become president? No fear, it’s happened already and it seems to be working out pretty well.

By definition, a Justice of the Peace, (or in Bardwell’s case, a piece of shit), is appointed or elected to maintain the peace and deal with administrative issues that might arise in their jurisdiction. I have researched several definitions of this and none of them mention the ability to deny people their basic civil rights. Does he give any thought at all to all of the white trash he has married over the years who then go on to raise future generations of hood-wearing, cross-burning yehaws who have little to offer society other than hate crime, date rape and AIDS jokes?

Bardwell also pointed out that this has always been his practice and no one has ever complained. That’s sad. However, I would assume that if you are African American living in a small town and an appointed official does this kind of thing, you might be afraid to speak up. If I thought he and his cronies might seek their revenge, I would probably be scared, too. But that fear, in his case, has been deemed as acceptance that what he is doing is okay. Many elected officials have come forward demanding his resignation. Surely someone, somewhere, has the authority to remove this loser from his post. He needs to go. He went on to say that he has “piles and piles of black friends. They come to [his] home, they use [his] bathroom.” I think the reality of that statement is that any black people who get near him and have to listen to his racist bullshit are suddenly afflicted with bleeding piles and have to run to the nearest bathroom. That makes more sense to me. I know he makes ME sick to my stomach!

While there is really nothing funny about this situation, I am amused that he considers himself a good Christian. Someone should send him a new Bible and highlight ‘The Song of Solomon.’ It makes for some great reading, and in fact, Jerry and I had verses of it read at our wedding. In case you’re wondering, it is the story of an interracial couple. And the Bible is God’s word. He wrote it. I don’t have to do anything but read it and try to live by it. (Of course, that’s just my choice. I’m not trying to convert anyone here.) Choice being what it is, if you don’t support interracial relationships, by all means, don’t become involved in one. If you believe that it’s okay to violate the civil rights of others, by all means, leave the United States and move to some banana republic where you can be ruled over by some despotic, sanctimonious little piss-pot, like Mr. Bardwell, but let the rest of us live, get married, and have children in peace.

Kick Keith Bardwell out of office. He’ll be just fine. I imagine he’ll open his own bridal boutique, complete with robes and pointy hoods for the wedding party, and instead of a unity candle for the ceremony, maybe a large burning cross for the altar.

Sadly, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Good luck to you, Beth and Terence, and to your unborn children. Help them to be tolerant. Raise them to be well loved, loving and accepting of others. And God help us all.

 

Where the Wild Moms Are

I consider myself very blessed to have been raised in an atmosphere of acceptance and tolerance: religious tolerance, acceptance of different sexual orientations, and an open-mindedness of other races and cultures.  These things were taught to me at home.  I am pretty sure that I didn’t learn them in school.  Of course, I can’t be entirely sure.  Elementary school was a very long time ago, and mostly I remember recess and snack time.  Since my darling Jenda has recently started kindergarten, I am reaching back into the deep cobwebs of childhood memories to share my learning with her.  Of course, some lessons have to be learned on the job as a mother, and I won’t be able to make Jenda understand them until she is older.  Nonetheless, she is the recipient of my constant attempts at training.  Allow me to explain.

While I am a Christian, I accept the fact that there are some cultures and religions who believe that we have ‘Spirit Guides.’  In my religion, I guess they could be called angels.  In other religions, people feel that they have animal guides.  If I were part of any of these religions, I would probably be a sloth.  Anyway, I have long heard tales about how some mothers in the wild devour their young.  Okay, so Mary didn’t eat Jesus, although she probably took communion…wait, now I am confused.  The fact is that while I love and adore my daughter, there are times when I feel like I could channel my inner wild animal and eat her up.  Take, for example, the time I took her with me to Kohl’s department store.  There we were in the fitting room and I was pretending to be a size 8.  Okay, a 14.  Anyway, Jenda  said, loudly, “Mommy, we can’t buy ice cream anymore.”

Why on earth not?

“’Cause you got chunky butt!”

Then, from the other fitting rooms, I heard ‘giggle, giggle, giggle!’

Bitches!

Then, I channeled my inner lioness and imagined myself, all fur and fangs, eating my own child.  CHOMP, SMACK, BURP!

Many times since then I have imagined my inner lioness.  I have chosen the lioness because she is the huntress, and being the female, the keeper of the pride.  For all you unguided spirits, a group of lions is called a pride.  So anyway, I have decided that my inner animal spirit guide is a lioness.  Can’t you just see it now?  Two baby lion cubs prancing around in the veldt behind their mother, who, frankly, has had enough crap from the kids.

“Look.  Mommy shouldn’t have killed that wildebeest.  She has chunky butt!”

Without a sound, with no warning, CHOMP, SMACK, BURP!

No more stupid butt jokes! It’s very effective.  I love my inner lioness!  Yum!

Of course there are times when, as a mother (maybe as a father, I’m not sure), you have to reexamine your spiritual side.  In my case, it happened innocently enough.  It always does.  At any rate, I was laying on the couch after a hard day of hunting, gathering, and growling at the rest of the herd, uh, pride.  I needed a break, so I let Jerry and Jenda have free reign of the jungle that we call the living room.  Since I am still on an HGTV moratorium, I let the other lions decide what to watch.  Big mistake on my part, as they found some show on Animal Planet about the various creatures who inhabit the various continents and their lives and animal habits.  In truth, I was ignoring it until they got to Africa and the pride of lions.  It’s all fun and games until someone decides it’s time to eat.

The people at Animal Planet filmed a pride of lions doing their thing.  Basically, in the pride, the male, Mr. Lion, sits on his lazy ass roaring every once in a while, while the females, the lionesses, hunt, gather, raise the kids, kind of like how it is with some human families.  (Mine.)  So a herd of elephants go thundering by, and the lionesses stop gossiping about their husbands long enough to realize that one of the elephants isn’t lumbering quite so fast as the rest of the herd.  And that’s when they seized their opportunity. 

As the lionesses were taking down this poor, hapless elephant, I mentioned to Jerry that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for Jenda to see this.  It actually wasn’t a good idea for ME to see it, as it was rather disturbing.  And that’s when Jenda piped up, “It’s nature, Mommy.  That elephant is old and slow, and the lions have to eat!” 

Oh, Jeebus, old and slow!  There’s my cue to leave!!  I appreciate the fact that Jenda is okay with nature and the food chain and cross pollination and other nature grodiness, but I just can’t take it.  In that instant, my inner lioness changed into a domesticated feline card carrying vegan. 

“Hey, lioness….we’re taking down a wildebeest.  Want to join us for some raw meat?”

No, thanks.  I’m having the jungle salad bar with a side of tall grass.  I need the fiber.

 At that point, I left the room, ignoring the sounds of the TV, Jerry, and Jenda.  After it was over, Jenda came into the office to fill me in on what I had missed.  “Mommy, they were all eating, and then they went and sat on this big rock, and all the lions had on pink lipstick.  Jerry was going to tell her it was elephant blood.   I just told her yes it was lipstick and they were a gay pride.  At any rate, I am happy that Jenda understands the circle of life and can deal with it in a mature way.  But I still remind her that mothers in the wild don’t put up with any nonsense and won’t hesitate to eat their own offspring if they act ugly in Walmart.

Why do you think a group of crows is called a murder?

 

Educating Mommy

So I am a bit late with my updates lately.  I have had so much going on and it’s been so busy here at home, so I feel like I have sort of an excuse.  The good news is, I am not on my soapbox today.  I guess I am just playing catch up.  And things are moving fast, believe me.  Our beloved Jenda has started kindergarten.

MY BABY STARTED KINDERGARTEN!!!

I knew it was coming, and tried to prepare for it as best I could by living in denial until the last possible moment.  The schools here in Forsyth county sent out a list of needed supplies that was about as long as ‘War and Peace’ so I knew that I would have to find the strength to get to the local Walmart and get her all of the things she needed.  And let me tell you something.  For the uninitiated (parents sending their kids to school for the first time) that is a terrifying experience.  Those experienced parents buying school supplies at Walmart are savages.  They kill their own.

So I had Jerry with me to fight our way through the throng of crazed parents buying everything from pie tins to tie pins.  I had to fight with one crazed mommy for the last Disney Princess backpack.  Suffice it to say that I won, and fortunately, her injuries were not life threatening.  I know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t me.  I yelled to Jenda that it was the last one and she jumped into the fray.  That’s my girl!

We got all of her supplies together in a U-Haul and drove them to the school for orientation.  The school was mobbed, so we had to stop and ask for directions from one of the teachers in the hallway.  She was most helpful.  “Y’all just keep walking down this hall, past the liberry on the left, and then turn left at the end of the hallway and her room is right there on the left.” 

At the point that this teacher said ‘liberry’ my eyeballs popped out of my head and dangled there.  Jerry handled it beautifully.  He said, “Oh thank you.  You’ve been a tremendous help.  By the way, what do you teach?”  Of course, she teaches math so my eyeballs went back into place and I was much relieved.  So we went past the ‘liberry’, turned left, and sure enough there was the room.  We met with the teacher and her assistant and they were very nice.  They let us know that Jenda’s first week would only be two days.  Half the class would go Tuesday and Wednesday, and Jenda and the rest of the class would go the next two days.  Just to help them acclimate, which I thought was a good idea.  They mentioned that they would be starting the children on computer training, at which point Jenda asked if she could bring her learning dvd-roms and proceeded to go launch the internet.  The teacher said maybe they could find something else for her to do.  Then, the teacher made her fatal mistake.  She said that parents could come in the following Monday, the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, to observe for a little while.

So in we went.  Obviously, the other parents have either been down this road before or just don’t care about their children.  Jerry stood there snapping some pictures, and I stood there crying.  Jenda was mortified, and her teacher kept waiting for us to leave, which I finally did when I heard the words ‘recess’ and ‘call security’.  What can I say?  This is all new for me.  Jerry was so excited to have grown up time alone together with me.  He asked, “Do you know what this means?” 

Yes.  We’re repainting the upstairs bathroom. 

We managed to get through the first few days with no major calamities.  That is, until Jenda lost a stick.   It would seem that someone on staff worked for the CIA or was a math major at MIT or something, because they have this reward system that only a licensed code breaker could have designed and can figure out.  So it works something like this.  Each student starts the day with three sticks.  If they behave all day, they keep the sticks and then earn stickers for certain multiples of sticks.  You lost yet?  Yeah, me, too.  Once they have accumulated a certain number of stickers, they get to go to the prize box and pick out some little doo-dad.  Well Jenda made it to Wednesday and then she lost a stick.  Did you all feel that big jolt?  It was the earth no longer spinning on its axis.  It was the sun falling out of the sky.  It was global meltdown.  She cried all the way home.  She cried all the way through homework.  She sobbed all the way through dinner, which in my case was a handful of Xanax and a glass of Shiraz.  We finally convinced her that the sun would in fact rise the next day and all would be well.  Of course, it rained.

The good news is that she didn’t lose anymore sticks and was able to get a toy out of the prize box, and life has gone on pretty much as normal.  She is doing well and seems to like school and I am dealing with the separation anxiety without the Xanax and the wine.  I have been making Jerry do home improvement projects and I am now on an HGTV moratorium.  So life is good, really good.

Until someone loses a stick!    

Fighting For Families

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons. ~Johann Schiller

It’s safe to say that I enjoy both the humor and bitter irony of life.  I also laugh the loudest at myself, because there’s never a shortage of material.  Being a wife and mother, hell, just being a human being means that I will always have enough humor and irony in my life to keep things interesting for the remainder of my life.  With that said, sometimes the irony is too bitter to swallow.  When irony chafes into a blister of ignorance, and then festers into a full blown case of hatred, I have to take a strong dose of self perception, followed by a strong measure of righteous indignation.  I hate having to do that.  They taste like shit.

My day started off innocently enough.  I took Jenda to the park and, armed with a purse full of Capri Sun and the Sunday paper, I planted myself on a bench so I could peruse the news and watch Jenda play.  The park has both a playground and a HUGE pile of dirt to climb on, so of course Jenda headed for Mt. Dirtmore, and I settled in to read the paper.  And that’s when the bitter irony jumped up and bit me on the ass.

The article was ‘Man Fights Florida Over Gay Adoption.’  That sparked my interest because, let’s face it, there is a very vocal gay constituency in South Florida and DCF is really doing a terrible job.  So why would Florida fight against gay adoption?  There are so many children living in orphanages, or living in squalor with drug addicted parents.   There are horrible stories in the news daily about children who are abused, molested, neglected, killed.  Here is a man who has provided a foster home to two young boys since 2004.  Why on earth would the state seek to break up the family that they have created after they have been together for five years?

According to the article, the brothers became eligible for adoption in 2006, and no state or local government entity made any move to displace the boys from the foster home.  So why now?  Why are we still living under some arcane law that decrees that gays and lesbians can’t be loving and attentive parents?  I assume that some people feel that perhaps Mr. Gill will somehow try to ‘convert’ these youngsters.  Maybe he’ll try to turn them gay.

Nonsense.  If they are gay, they were born that way. 

I have a cousin who was adopted by my aunt and uncle.  They are both professional people, very well off financially, and very devout.  They raised my cousin from the day he was born, sent him to good schools, took him to church, and loved him unconditionally as parents should love their children.  And they didn’t change him.  He is gay.  They are not.  He has made poor decisions and mistakes in his life as we all do.  Being gay is not one of them.  Another close friend of mine is a gay father raising two children.  They both do well in school, attend church, and they adore their father.  By all indications, they are straight.  Their dad is not.  Who is being converted to a different sexual orientation?  It is a flawed argument.

There can be no denying that Martin Gill has changed these two brothers.  They were living in squalor with a drug addicted mother who neglected them.  Feeling unloved and unwanted, they were placed in foster care with Mr. Gill.  And that did change them.  They were given a nice home, they were clothed and fed.  They received an education.  They suddenly had a father.  Being a parent, I can imagine Mr. Gill sitting up late nights caring for these boys during childhood illnesses, and comforting them and drying their tears after nightmares I’m sure they dreamt.  They were wanted and loved.  Sexual orientation be damned; that is being a good parent.  To break up a home where they have forged a loving bond with the only real father they have ever known is heartbreaking and maddening.  He’s not trying to convert anyone to the gay brotherhood.  He doesn’t get a Kitchenaid mixer or toaster oven for every child he brings into the fold, so to speak.  He is trying to be the best father he can be, and he is fighting to hold his family together.  Good for him, and good for the two brothers that he loves as his own sons.

So I stand by my belief that sexual orientation does not change.  My experience is that it is in our nature, not how we are nurtured.  But as parents we do mold and shape young lives.  In the case of Mr. Gill (which sounds like the title of an Edgar Allan Poe story) he has indeed changed their lives.  He has given them a loving home.  He has kept these brothers together to ensure that they will always have each other and keep that familial bond.  I can only hope that lawmakers will come to their senses and put aside fear and prejudice to think of what is best for these two young men.  Mr. Gill not only built a family with these two boys.  He has given them a future.  He has given them hope. 

Those are the greatest gifts a parent can give a child.

 

Don’t Meddle With Her Medal!

Now that I have turned forty, I seem to be viewing life differently.  Or perhaps, I am just viewing it more deliberately.  With my daughter now in kindergarten, I have plenty of time to watch the news, catch up on reading and cleaning, so there’s no more kid TV during the day to keep me from what is going on in the real world.  Sometimes, that’s not always a good thing.  At least kid TV is friendly and nice.

I have been reading with interest the case of Caster Semenya.  Some of this might not be familiar to you, so allow me to introduce you to her.  She is an athlete, a runner from South Africa.  She won Gold in the 800 meters last month in Berlin.  But that is not where her story ends, rather, it is where it begins.

Judges were amazed at the speed with which Ms. Semenya won the race.  They felt that something was amiss.  So they required her to undergo various tests, one of which was a test to determine gender.  It was discovered and announced to the globe that Ms. Semenya was intersexual, or, as it is sometimes known, a hermaphrodite.  And of course the tacky jokes started.

“Caster….like castrated!  She’s a dude!”

“Semen-ya!  Yuk, yuk, she’s got semen, ya!”

Pathetic, folks.  Really pathetic.

Intersexuality is a rare condition affecting less than one percent of live births.  And while I have not writing a biology lesson here, suffice it say that on the outside, Ms. Semenya looks like a woman, but instead of ovaries, she has testes.  If you don’t know what any of this means, shame on you!  Take an anatomy class!  At any rate, she identifies herself as a woman.  She did not ask to be born with this condition, and happily, has refused to allow it to hold her back from living a full and rewarding life.

I first heard about this condition as a child.  I used to spend summers with my maternal grandmother, who we called Dug.  Dug was a first generation German immigrant and a Southerner so you can imagine what those summers were like.  Anyway, Dug was enjoying a little Mateus Rose one day and decided to tell me the story of her childhood pet, a cat named Hephzibah.  Hephzibah is a biblical name meaning, ‘My delight is in her.’  Which I found strange because Dug said Hephzibah was a boy.  At any rate, I knew this because Dug said that he still had his testicles but then gave birth one day to a litter of kittens!  I thought this was the coolest, funniest thing ever so when I returned from my visit to Dug’s house, I laughingly greeted my parents with the question, “What’s a morphodite?”

Daddy sent me outside to play while Mother called Dug, ostensibly to read her the riot act.  After that, my mother sat me down to explain what hermaphrodite meant, and how it impacted people’s lives.  I felt such sorrow at that moment, and knowing firsthand the spite of people towards those who are deemed different (I remember the ‘fat kid’ thing) I made a vow, with the earnestness of a child, never to laugh at people just because they are different from me.  And while that didn’t completely stop me from being mean, I have never stooped to pick on anyone with a disability.

Because this condition is so rare, I would imagine that many who have it are ashamed or embarrassed.  No one asks to be born with a disability, or any condition that leaves them vulnerable to the taunts of others.  It was bad enough being the fat kid in school.  Could you imagine, at such a young age, dealing with confusion about your gender identity?  Or the cruelty of other children? 

“She-male!  Chick with a dick!  She can do it with herself…haha!”

Trust me, when I became aware of this story, I heard them all.  It made me physically ill.  Now comes the news that The International Association of Athletics Federations wants to strip Ms. Semenya of her medal because of her condition and the fact that her intersexuality causes her to produce testosterone.  She didn’t use steroids, she didn’t take hormones deliberately.  This is just, for her, a fact of life.  To take her medal away is such a slap in the face to any person who is differently-abled.  To make her condition such fodder for public gossip and spite is wrong, and evil.  Caster Semenya is living her life as she sees fit.  She is refusing to allow her condition to hold her back.  I admire that, and I believe she deserves to keep her medal.  And for the people who find her condition amusing, who make fun of her because of her intersexuality, take your sick jokes and go screw yourselves.

  

‘The King and I’ Needs to Stay on Broadway!

North Carolina is deep in the throes of another really hot, sticky summer, of the sort that makes you stay inside all day watching reruns and not caring that the lawn hasn’t been mowed since April Fool’s Day.  I don’t mind, because I’m not the one who does the yard work and when Jenda takes a nap, I get to watch grown up TV.  Trust me, there are worse ways to spend a summer.

So between catching up on the soaps and enjoying marathon sessions of Designed to Sell on HGTV, I have realized that all of the soap opera families name their kids really weird shit, like ‘Thorn’, and ‘Granite’, and as far as home staging, mine is more like ‘Designed from Hell’, but I still like to watch these shows.  Sometimes, you just have to live vicariously through television.  With that said, while I enjoy TV, I am flabbergasted at the depths to which advertisers have sunk to peddle their products. 

It’s just a sad fact of TV watching that your show is going to be interrupted, frequently, by commercials.  That leads to channel surfing by people like my husband and just dealing with it by lazy, er, patient people like me.  So as I sat the other day waiting for whatever it was to come back on, I saw a commercial that gave me a worse case of the heebie-jeebies than that icky movie with that Leather Face guy and the chain saw.  You might have seen this commercial.  It’s an advertisement for Burger King’s new breakfast combo.

Picture it.  The scene opens with a man in bed, just waking up as sunlight streams in the windows and birds sing outside.  He yawns, stretches, rolls over and there is a GIANT, PLASTIC, BOBBLE-HEADED BURGER KING IN HIS BED!!!  This is no lie!  So this guy looks at this grotesque member of high-cholesterol kingliness, who proceeds to hand this hapless man a breakfast sandwich.  The man takes a bite and then the two are laughing, having a manly breakfast moment.  I have five words for this.

ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?!

This is messed up on so many levels I hardly know where to begin.  First, if there was some giant bobble-head in a crown in my bed with a sausage sandwich, I would start SCREAMING LIKE A BITCH!!!  Then I would grab my rather heavy lamp off my nightstand and beat his bobbly ass to death.  But then I started thinking more about the situation.  Is the guy in the commercial a bachelor?  If not, what happened to his spouse?  How did His Highness get into the house?  Why didn’t the guy react?

Sadly, I think this guy did have a wife or significant other who was probably very health conscious, or perhaps was a vegetarian.  I say ‘was’ because she’s dead now.  She had the good sense to freak out and not eat the breakfast sandwich and King Cholesterol killed her and turned her into a whopper combo meal.  And then there’s the question of how the king got in.  I assume that the house had no alarm system, because if it did, it was a monumental failure.  Can you imagine calling your home alarm company? 

“Hey y’all, WTF?  I JUST WOKE UP WITH SOME GIANT-ASS BOBBLY-HEADED BURGER KING IN MY BED AND MY ALARM NEVER WENT OFF!”

“Thank you for calling ABC alarms.  Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received.  Your estimated wait can be measured in terms of geologic time.  This is a recording….”

And finally, something is really wrong with newly single sleeper guy.  I’m talking fundamentally flawed here.  He had the fight or flight response of eye crud.  I asked my husband Jerry what he would do in this situation.  I frequently ask Jerry for advice.  In my world, WWJD means ‘What Would Jerry Do’ and when I find out, I usually do the opposite.  Or I just suggest that he go ahead and do it since, in telling me what he would do, he obviously has a plan.  Anyway, he pondered the situation and then said, “I would go all Tony Soprano on him and beat him to death.”

For once, we agreed.  Sing with me, ‘This magic moment….’

While I realize that the economy is in shambles and consumer confidence and spending are down, I don’t think this marketing through fear is the right approach.  This is not a commercial that makes me want to run out and buy the BK breakfast combo.  It does, however, make me want to run out and buy a semi-automatic weapon.  Did Burger King hire Machiavelli to come up with their new ad campaign? 

“If it’s better to be feared than loved, then let’s scare the crap out of people to make them eat our food.  No one wants to wake up next to a giant plastic burger mutant, so we’ll send the unmistakable message that if they don’t eat our food, we’re coming for them!  BWUHAHAHA!”

The commercial ends with King Creepy putting his hand on sleeper guy’s knee, finally eliciting an alarmed reaction from him.  Dude, why get upset now?  He’s in your bed, he gave you food, and he probably killed your wife.  He’s not leaving with just a handshake.  The good old days of Have It Your Way are over.  It’s the BK way or the highway.  That’s when I had to go pluck out my own eyes and gargle with Drano.  Well, no, but I vowed never to eat at Burger King ever again.  That’s a pretty healthy outcome for me.  But I’ll never look at Yul Brenner the same way again. 

And I nailed all our windows shut.